A Quarrel with the Cheer Harpies, and a First Stop

Daughters divine of Jove, these things record,
As it may please thee, even in our ears.
The band, all those who had perdition ’scaped
By games or on the Road, dwelt not at home;
Greg only, of his country and his wife
Alike desirous, in her hollow grots
Queen of the Cheerleaders, Goddess beautiful, detained
Wooing him to her arms. But when, at length,
(Many a long year elapsed) the year arrived
Of his return (by the decree of heav’n)
To Illinois, not even then had he,
Although surrounded by his people, reach’d
The period of his suff’rings and his toils.
Yet all the Gods of Departments, with pity moved, beheld
His woes, save Athletics; They alone with wrath
Unceasing and implacable pursued
The Godlike band to their final stop.
But Athletics, now, the Yellowjackets fought for,
(The Yellowjackets, utmost of womankind,
These Eastward situated, turn toward the West)
Call’d to an hecatomb of bulls and lambs, and the King
of Burgers, and a Buck of Stars.
There sitting, pleas’d the band banqueted; the Gods
In Jove’s abode, meantime, assembled all,
’Midst whom the Sire of heav’n and earth began.
For he recall’d to mind Brandeis unslain
By Urbee's celebrated son
Rocky, and retracing in his thought
That dread event, the Immortals thus address’d.
Alas! how prone are human-kind to blame
The Pow’rs of Heav’n! From us, they say, proceed
The ills which they endure, yet more than Fate
Herself inflicts, by their own crimes incur.
So now Hope, Wash U and Amherst, by no force constrained
Of Destiny, Andrea of Athletics’ wedded wife
Took to herself, and her at his return
Slew, not unwarn’d of her own dreadful end
By us: for we commanded Rocky Yellowjacket down
The watchful Pep Band, who bade all to fear
Alike, to slay their dear Team, or woo them with feminine charm.
For that Urbees’ son Rocky, soon
As grown mature, and eager to assume
His sway imperial, should avenge the deeds of Final Fours past.
So Greg spake, but his advice moved not
the Pep Band, on whose head the whole arrear
Of vengeance heap’d, at last, hath therefore fall’n.
Whom answer’d then Laura Holtzmann cærulean-eyed.
Oh Jove, Saturnian Sire, o’er all supreme!
And well he merited the victory he found;
So perish all, who shall, like him, offend Yellowjackets.
But with a bosom anguish-rent I view
Greg, hapless Chief! who from his friends
Remote, affliction hath long time endured
In yonder wood-land Rochester, the central boss
Of Optics. Laura Holtzman, there, the sorrowing Greg detains,
And ever with smooth speech insidious seeks
To wean his heart towards Bloomington; meantime
Greg, happy might he but behold
The smoke ascending from Hope University's ruins,
Death covets. Canst thou not, Wash U and Amherst!
At last relent? Hath not Greg oft
With victims slain amid Yellowjackets' fleet
Thee gratified, while yet at Hope he fought?
How hath he then so deep incensed thee, Hope University?
To whom, the cloud-assembler God replied.
What word hath pass’d thy lips, Rochester belov’d?
Can I forget Greg? Him forget
So noble, who in wisdom all mankind
Excels, and who hath sacrific’d so oft
To the band whose dwelling is the boundless heav’n?
Earth-circling Pep band—They it is whose wrath
Pursues ceaseless for the Yellowjackets’ sake
The Starters, strongest of the Yellowjackets race,
Whom of his eye Greg ne'er hath deprived.
E’er since that day, the Shaker of the Interstate,
Although he slay him not, yet devious drives
Greg from his native Rochester afar.
Yet come—in full assembly his return
Contrive the Band now, both means and prosp’rous end;
So Hope University shall his wrath remit, whose pow’r
In contest with the force of all the Gods
Exerted single, can but strive in vain.